Michael Rock Roasted By His 1979 Kindergarten Teacher

Hard to believe, but it was 45 years ago when I first stepped into school.

I don't really remember this, but apparently, I was giving my kindergarten teacher more than she cared to handle. So she did what any 1979 school teacher did back in the day: she crushed me like a bad Yelp review crushes a brand-new restaurant – completely, and in public – and she looped in my parents so there would be extra consequences in my five-year-old home life.

Miss Mary Ann Segnini didn't mess around.

The Report Card

When report card time rolled around, she started off with the first half of a compliment sandwich. "Michael is an independent boy with a strong character," she wrote.

My wife, who is a fourth grade teacher, said this is code for "Michael is a royal pain in the (censored)."

Miss Segnini continued, "He contributes many ideas to group discussion." Translation:  "He won't shut up" (a skill that has paid dividends in my adult life).

"We continue to help Michael strengthen social skills and self-control," Miss Segnini wrote. Aw c'mon, man. That's a tough one to talk your way out of at five years old.

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 The Plan

Miss Segnini and my mom came up with a plan. She would keep track of my behavior. If I was a good boy all week long, I'd get a star on my hand when I was going home on Friday. First of all, couldn't they have made it a daily star? Pretty tough to be perfect ALL WEEK!

The Incident

On March 2, 1979, there was a small incident that prompted Mary Ann Segnini to write a teacher's note to John and Mary Rock.

"As we agreed," read the note, "I have been keeping a check list of Michael's behavior. On Thursday and today. Michael has used his self-control in most situations and he has participated in a variety of activities."

"I can't, however, give Michael a star today because pf an incident on Wednesday when Michael did not agree with a girl in our class. He did not like her behavior so he hit and knocked her down. I am hoping to give Michael a star next Friday."

Devastating.

So many questions. What brought such anger and emotion out of my five-year-old self? It probably had something to do with that horrible haircut and the fact that my shoulders were non-existent. Do you even lift, bro?

Needless to say, John and Mary Rock were not pleased with this note. They didn't complain to the teacher, however. Remember, this was 1979. Instead, they punished me for my behavior, with Miss Segnini cheering them on. She would have been named Fun 107's Teacher of the Month back then.

To this day, my kids can't believe their dad was a "bad boy" in kindergarten. They won't let me live it down. They rejoice in it.

I hope Miss Segnini is happy with my generational punishment.