Open Letter to Conan O'Brien: Fall River and Lizzie Borden Await

Dear Conan,

It's been two years since we last spoke and I still can't believe it. So much about our conversation seems surreal: that I turned on my laptop and there you were on Zoom, that you -- my comedy hero -- laughed at things I said, that the conversation happened at all.

I'm one of many fans you and your charming cohosts Matt and Sona have interviewed on your podcast Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, so don't sweat it if you don't remember me. However, as you gear up to release Conan O'Brien Must Go, your new travel show on Max, I want to remind you of something you promised.

Phil Devitt/Townsquare Media

In the fastest 30 minutes of my life, you and I talked mainly about our shared interest in Fall River's Lizzie Borden, whose 19th-century home is a museum where I give tours. Lizzie, you reminded your audience of millions, was accused and later acquitted of killing her father and stepmother with a hatchet at the house in 1892. The crimes remain unsolved.

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"We're coming to your town," you told me. "I don't know when, but we'll come to Fall River, the three of us, and I swear to God we should podcast from the house where these terrible crimes were committed, and I will do the podcast dressed as Lizzie Borden. And then I will recreate those heinous crimes."

I nodded vigorously in agreement.

Conan, consider this letter your (second) formal invitation to Fall River. You're a busy guy but visiting the SouthCoast makes perfect sense for you. If you'll indulge me, here are a few reasons.

1. Your new show is made for this. Your Max series focuses on your biggest talent: making comedy happen in unexpected places. While the first four installments will focus on overseas destinations, walking into 92 Second St. in Fall River is akin to visiting another country. The Borden home has been carefully curated to appear as the family had it in the 1800s. What we lack in modern conveniences we make up for in floral wallpaper, replicas of shattered human skulls and a few ghosts. Not a fit for Max? Bring the podcast, as you suggested back in 2022. Or, come on your own without any cameras and microphones.

2. You love history and we have plenty. You're a true crime buff and a longtime student of the Borden case. You've mentioned Lizzie before, notably during a visit to Chicago's Irish American Heritage Center. There, for your TBS show Conan, you held a pair of antique hornpipe shoes and joked, "These are the shoes Lizzie Borden was wearing when she killed her family." Why not walk in the real Lizzie's footsteps?

3. You'll be home again. You're a Massachusetts guy. Raised in Brookline and educated at Harvard University, the Bay State is in your blood. You can visit Fall River, hang out with loved ones to the north and relax a bit at your family's other home in nearby Westerly, Rhode Island. Get in touch with your roots here. The Bordens lived in Corky Row, once a heavily Irish neighborhood where my own family goes back about 200 years. You could sleep on the third floor of Lizzie's house, home to the Bordens' Irish immigrant maid Bridget Sullivan. Just watch your head up there. You're super-tall and the ceilings are slanted.

4. You'd love the rest of the SouthCoast. I can picture you enjoying a visit to New Bedford, in particular, and finding humor in its cobblestone streets and whaling history. You just proved you're the MVP of eating ridiculously spicy wings on the best-ever episode of Hot Ones, so downing some chicken at Rose Alley Ale House will be like nothing for you.

Coco, you get the idea. I know you're mostly a Los Angeles man these days, but it's time to pack your bags for the East Coast. Lizzie Borden and I are waiting to show you around. Having you here would be the honor of a lifetime, right up there with chatting with you on Zoom a couple of years ago.

Your Friend,
Phil

P.S. I'm sure Max won't mind but I'm changing the name of your show. Henceforth, it's Conan O'Brien Must Go (to Fall River). If you have any questions, just axe.

Conan, You Can Pick From Any of These Rooms to Spend The Night and Dress Up as Lizzie

This infamous Fall River home is open for tours and overnight stays through U.S. Ghost Adventures. Here are all the rooms you can stay in and the haunted happenings that have taken place in them.

Gallery Credit: Nancy Hall

Photos of Conan Hanging in Fall River Would Look Really Good In This Through-the-Years Gallery

Conan O'Brien has had quite the entertainment journey. The Brookline, Massachusetts, native started out as a writer for Saturday Night Live and The Simpsons before landing a late-night hosting gig that catapulted him into fame. Here are some of Coco's colorful moments over the years.

A Drive By Lizzie's Other Home, Maplecroft, Could Complete Conan's Visit

UPDATE: Maplecroft's new owners moved in on July 19, 2022 – Lizzie Borden's 162nd birthday. This is now a private residence, please do not trespass on their property.

While the house where Lizzie Borden's father and stepmother were brutally murdered on August 4, 1892 may have recently been purchased, the home where she moved after being acquitted for those same murders is on the market for anyone looking to own a piece of Fall River history.

Gallery Credit: Tim Weisberg