Dear Westport Fair Committee,

We need to talk about something that's missing from the fair.

On July 17th, 2019, the Westport Fair will be returning to the fairgrounds for its annual showing of agriculture, local foods and crafts, and tractors on steroids.

Let's be honest for a minute; if you're from Westport, you know that this town is well known for tractors, farms, corn fields, jacked-up trucks, and oh yeah, COWS.

Our farms are home to hundreds of cows in the area that sometimes even escape on occasion.

Growing up on Sodom Road, I had farmland and corn fields all around me and as gross as it may sound, the land was covered with cow pies and manure.

What's a cow pie? you out-of-town folk may be questioning and it's quite the simple explanation: dried up piles of cow dung in the shape of disks from splatting on the ground and then solidifying.

I mean, if we can have tractor pulls, Rosie's pig racing, and even chainsaw wood carving competitions, why not use our natural resources to our advantage and arrange a "Cow Pie Toss?"

Think about how much it would cost to set up. Answer: NOTHING.

A cash prize would be nice, but honestly, I'd settle for an old fashioned blue ribbon (with the words "First Place" written on it, of course).

Have people sign up in advance with a cut off date to see how many people registered and just like the corn hole competition, set up brackets.

There is plenty of land and space to do this and if my scientific research is somewhat correct, these pies shouldn't really travel too far, unless you properly know the technique behind it. Toss too hard and the "pie" will crumble, toss too light and, well, you'll just lose the distance game.

All I'm asking is for someone to just agree with me and admit that this is indeed a brilliant idea. So let's gather some "brown biscuits" and "stench stones" and put the tossing to the test.


Mr. Westport 2005

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