Alright friends, grab yourself a seat and a cold one because it's storytime with Uncle Gazelle.

So here I was, waiting patiently for the New Bedford-Fairhaven Bridge to open. I was in no rush; it was a Friday and I was ready to bring on the weekend. I had Fun 107 on the radio, the windows open, and my arm chilling out the window. I'll admit, life was pretty freaking good!

That's when my luck turned and a series of unfortunate events happened.

At first, I heard a couple of soft thumps on my moon roof window that sounded like large raindrops. It was pretty cloudy out, so I didn't think anything of it. Then, out of nowhere, as if someone dumped a gallon of muck and fish guts from the skies above, my car and arm got covered, splattering my face from the impact.

I looked over to my arm to see it covered in white poop and bird puke. Then the smell hit my nostrils and it was game over.

A sudden wave of low-tide and sour milk cleared my sinuses quicker than a surprising slap to the face.

"Are you [bleeping] kidding me, right now?!" I shouted as people around me waiting for the bridge to open back up just gawked and stared.

Nobody else was affected by the napalm of bird feces that lit up my car like the Fourth of July except for me. That's just how my luck goes these days.

However, I'm being told left and right that it's good luck and that I should go and play the lottery – so that's exactly what I did.

So, here's the rundown:

  1. I was pooped on by a bird.
  2. Yesterday I found a penny on the sidewalk, heads-up.
  3. There was a double rainbow on my way to the convenience store to get the lottery tickets.

I have high hopes and if this is the last article that you see from me, then you know I finally hit big. Wish me luck!

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