New Candidate Ready to Take Mayor Jasiel Correia’s Position
The people of Fall River are already chanting "In with the new and out with the old" (or young?).
With the recent news of Mayor Jasiel Correia's arrest due to fraud and infringement, word has been circulating and buzzing around as to who will be replacing him as mayor. Some have mentioned that Cliff Ponte guy, he claims to be the President of the City Council--big whoop. Others have suggested former mayors Will Flanagan and Sam Sutter, who are both WAY too old for the position, considering Jasiel was only 20-something. Lastly, some have even reached out to Scotty from Scotty's Pub, but then who would run his business?
HEAR MY WORDS:
To the people of Fall River, Massachusetts, I, Gazelle, Executive Morning Show Producer 2.0 of The Michael Rock Show, am officially throwing my name into the hat of possible candidates for next mayor of Fall River.
I have recently moved to Swansea and yes, I understand you have to actually live in Fall River to be able to run, but in all honesty, does that TRULY matter? Answer: Probably, but who cares?!
I was born in Fall River over in the Maternity Ward of Saint Anne's Hospital, so that has to count for something. Honestly, with the ideas I have to improve and better the community of Fall River, that qualification will soon be a something of the past.
Here are a few important subject matters I've been deeply brainstorming that would substantially affect the city in a positive light:
1.) Those STUPID purple trash bags are no longer allowed.
- Everybody will receive 2 FREE trash bins as a present from the city, fully equipped with a complimentary 30-pack of Febreeze-scented trash bags. Linguica, chourico and pops will be taxed an additional 20 cents to make up for the costs. Basically, with the amount of people who consume these delicious Portuguese gifts from God on the daily, the city will never see the dark hole of debt again.
2.) The official food will not be a Portuguese dish, but rather an American standard.
- From Faneek's and Nick's, Graham''s and Rogers, and finally on to J&J's, it's no secret that the best hot dogs on the SouthCoast come from Fall River. The Coney Island, bean sauce and cheese whiz frankfurters will now represent the "go-to" food of the city. A hot dog-shaped flag will fly high from the steps of City Hall for all to admire, subliminally making passersby hungry like the wolves.
3.) The Braga Bridge never needed a face lift.
- What was wrong with the color it was before it turned into Papa Smurf's draw bridge to Fantasy lsand? Industrial Green was "OG" and represented the city well. The bridge will once again be stripped down to its roots, again supplying jobs and work to the local people.
4.) Portuguese feasts will be bi-monthly.
- This is just a no-brainer. Everybody loves a good Portuguese feast, and once or even twice a year is just not enough. When the community comes together as one over a delicious cup of wine and baskets of Pops, magic happens.
5.) Forget "Make It Here," it's time to "Make It Clear."
- Not sure exactly why the track record for Fall River's slogans have been so terrible, but it's time to set in stone something that will shine some positive light on the city. "We'll Try?" "The Scholarship City?" "Make It Here?" Get out of town. From here on out, I vote to change the slogan to "Fall River: Boats and Clothes" for the booming textile business and that giant battleship that's been napping in the Taunton River.
6.) ALL Potholes will be fixed with the help of science.
- All recycled trash and non-perishables that will be collected from the city will be melted and boiled down at a very high temperature and meta-morphed into environmentally-friendly tar. The tar can then be used to fill in the rim-shattering gaps on Pleasant and Eastern Ave. #ProblemSolved
This is just the tip of the iceberg of ideas I have to change the direction of the city onto the right course ahead. There is no room for corruption or lavish lifestyles. Whatever Correia was being paid is not an interest of mine. I'd rather put that money back into the bakeries, schools and watering holes (that's slang for bars).
- Really smart with math and science-related homework questions.
- Master at reading and constructing IKEA instructions.
- Really tall, can reach items on the top shelves at Market Basket.
- My face is on the side of a van.
- Not food-fussy.
- Advocate for the Senior Citizen Checkers Club.
- Was born at St. Anne's Hospital.
- Mom works in Fall River at St. Anne's Hospital.
- Gives back to the community by drinking at local bars instead of commercial bars.
- Not into fraudulent activity or reindeer games.
The city needs a mayor who is dedicated to the job. Someone who is willing to produce security for the city's future. A leader with enthusiasm, strong work ethic and oddly enough, good humor (and I'm not too sure if I mean a good knock-knock joke or the ice cream bars).
Here's the mathematical equation to becoming your mayor:
Motivation (to improve the city) + Nomination (that's your vote) = Dedication (to lead the good people of Fall River to the Promise Land of opportunity and safe community.)
Fall River, my name is Gazelle and I want to be YOUR mayor.