Shoutout to Pepsi for targeting women they believe need "quieter, less crunchy snacks."

The year is 2018. Things are weird across the board. I could launch into a tirade but I'll stick to the topic at hand: SNACKS.

According to Pepsi, they are launching new Doritos designed to be less crunchy (a.k.a quieter to eat) and less messy (a.k.a no leftover dust on your fingertips) to target women that Pepsi believes truly care about these factors when choosing a snack.

Pepsi said that while they don't believe it's a "male or female scenario", they do believe some women are just too ashamed to snack freely in public too loudly or if they need to wash their hands after snacking.

HANG ON...WHAT? I'm not sure if the Doriotos peeps have ever seen a lady elbow-deep in a bag of snacks on a day when she just REALLY NEED SOME SNACKS, OKAY? (or any day, really) but I can promise them that we are not concerned about eating too loudly or licking residual snack dust off our hands.

 

Can you please just let us have our snacks, like every other snack for manly men who like crunch? For the love of all things Cheeto, Dorito, Frito, Taquito and holy? Please?

If you need to find me, follow the trail of snacks and listen for the sounds of me dumping a bag of Cheetos onto my face.