Cassandra Rose

You probably heard the sad story about nurse Jacintha Saldanha, who committed suicide shortly after she was pranked by a pair of Australian DJs on the phone and connected their call to someone else who revealed information about Kate Middleton's pregnancy-related hospital stay.

But while those DJs have taken the lion's share of the blame, Morrissey says someone else is responsible: the Royal Family and the Duchess herself.

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Every morning when Taylor Swift wakes up, she opens the windows of her cottage, gives a little whistle, and all the woodland creatures fly in and help her get dressed. After she's let down her hair for new beau Harry Styles, they sing each other ballads before recreating scenes from 'Dirty Dancing.'

We're sorry, Patrick Swayze. We are so so sorry.

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Water? She don't need no stinking water. This perpetually pregnant actress turned reality star once claimed, "I hate water... I'm never thirsty actually. I don't drink water. I don't sweat."

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Lindsay Lohan will sadly not be amusing us via a one-on-one interview with ABC's Barbara Walters as planned, because for some reason all the network wants to talk about is how much of a trainwreck LiLo is.

UNPOSSIBLE.

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Celebrities are privileged drug addicts. This television personality once said, "When I pictured heroin, I pictured some crazy crackhead with no shoes under a bridge ... I was never under a bridge, and I always has shoes."

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There are many things in this world unlike basketball games -- cooking, singing, knitting, doing your taxes and getting married for reality programming among them. And after his much-maligned wedding, this pro baller wisely observed, "It was totally different than being in a basketball game."

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If a lot of celebrities had dictionaries, maybe they wouldn't say so many doltish things. Example: This famous-by-marriage woman once said, "Fiction writing is great. You can make up almost anything."

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Lindsay Lohan is about to have her probation revoked. Which in layman's terms translates to "bitch done messed up good."

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On a recent episode of 'The View,' co-host Barbara Walters teased bits and pieces of her annual 'Most Fascinating People' list, which this year includes the British boy-band One Direction and 'Fifty Shades of Grey' author E L James.

Blargh.

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We don't think this word means what he thinks it means, but a certain former boxer slash actor (who's most recently known for cameos where he stars himself) once told ESPN that after his retirement, "I guess I'm gonna fade into Bolivian."

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