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9 Things ‘Wrong’ With Most Single Guys, As Observed By Billy Teed

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I’m single and also, an anthropologist (not really) who has studied the female species in great detail. I’ve figured out quite a bit, but am still left with unsolvable issues, as pointed out by the ladies:

9. My friends

So you don’t like them, I get it. Should I have introduced you to them on day 2 and spared myself the time?

 

8. I’m a “Me Monster”

Its okay that I’m my number one, you’re your number one, aren’t you? I’ve seen the way you spend money on yourself… like my nails?

 

7. I’m too nice

Where is the line, ladies? I open the door for you, I compliment you, I insert your name into bad songs and sing my heart out for you. If I push you into the mud puddle- will there be balance then?  Not quite a jerk, not quite Mr. Nice Guy- help me figure out the difference, will ya?

 

6. I take you for granted

I appreciate you as much as I appreciate my time away from you. Absence make the heart grow fonder, baby.

 

5. I am not a good listener

I’m hearing you, I’m processing what you’re saying but i’m not giving you a thorough enough response? Last time I checked I was your boyfriend, not your girlfriend. Go sing it to your sisters over a bottle of wine because I will NEVER know how to respond to your friend’s cousin’s sister’s ovarian cyst. WTF

 

4. I’m too absorbed in my technology

“Let me take a moment to really enjoy the present and save the social update for later” said NO GIRL EVER. Oh hey interwebs, like my nails. OMG did you see the bachelor?

 

3. I don’t help around the house

I would cook if you liked steak and potatoes but you don’t. So go on- cook your tofurkey sausage egg white breakfast and I’ll go mow the lawn… Oh, what’s that?  No, we don’t have a goat that eats the grass down to size when you’re sleeping, that’s me sucking down gas fumes on my Saturday off.

 

2. I spend too much time in the bathroom

Maybe its strategic- I’ve seen the way you avoid it once I’m out so I figure I’ll buy myself some sweet, sweet time and just stay in it.  God bless wireless internet, y’all.

 

1. I act like a baby when i’m sick

..said the girl in the fetal position crying “cramps”. Insert Waaaahhhmbulance joke here.

 

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